Despair

I am beginning to feel despair about my new job.
When I talk about it, I realize that I am sad about my placement.
Don't get me wrong, there are many classes that I love teaching, etc.
BUT...my one class that is so horrible is killing me.
Besides that, I feel like I am dying of loneliness and isolation.
I do so well when I am part of something great, where collaboration is central, and where I am surrounded by friends. Currently none of those things are happening.
I am sure this is a great place to work, but I am just so isolated.
I need to change something, but don't know what or how.
I went out last night for dinner with a group of my dear friends. We all used to work together until the district reorganized. Now they are mostly together, spread out between two schools, and I am here at the high school.
I hear their stories of work, people, adventures, gossips.....and I am no longer part of any of it.
I left last night feeling sad and lonely....after being surrounded by my friends.
I wish I knew what to change....because I would change it.
I wrote an email last night to a few administrators which was fairly rude and wenchy.....but I am so frustrated, that I don't care how they take it. I am used to being close to my administrators. I am used to them hearing my requests, and working to help me figure it out. Not so the case here.
Maybe I will get fired from here...and I can go back to the middle school and pick up where I left off.
I need something to change.....I just wish I knew how to make it happen!

A Day at Brusnwick Bowl

Last month I took the kids to the arcade on a rainy day!
We had quite a few chuckles.

Words to Lift Me Up

This morning as I was driving to the gym, I was feeling a bit down, and wondering when this sadness would leave me. I was listening to The Refuge (my favorite radio station), and the Lord gave me two songs this morning to comfort me.
Music is my worship language, and the Lord speaks to me so often through music.
The first son was Big Enough by Ayiesha Woods. I've heard the song a zillion times, but the words were for my heart this morning.

Lyrics to Big Enough :
You turned water into wine - how extraordinary
Gave sight to the blind - and still I carry
My own load when you told me
To take your yoke ‘cause yours is easy

And I don't wanna box you in
You've been doing big things since the world began
Sometimes I just don't wanna believe
That you're big enough - but you're big enough yeah!
But you're big enough Jesus

You turned darkness into light - keep my lamp burning
And you are my everything
There's no denying, your love is so amazing
And even though my problems seem typical
Nothing for you is ever too difficult
You never have reservations - love without limitations

Then, for some reason, the Refuge played Selah, which is kinda of OLD school for this radio station. But as I was listening, and singing, I realized the words were for me.


You Raise Me Up by Selah
When I am down, and oh my soul, so weary.
When troubles come, and my heart burdened be.
Then I am still and wait here in the silence.
Until You come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains.
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas.
I am strong when I am on your shoulders.
You raise me up to more than I can be.

The Lord is so good to me.

My Verse for Today

Proverbs 3:5-6 (New International Version)

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

⁶ in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Saddness

I was doing better....I swear I was.
Lifest was so rejuvenating for me.
Another day.....sadness.
I did nothing to deserve this
but need to stop asking
why me?
resilience is what I need
what I am praying for
Jesus.....he does answer prayers
so hard to see the reasoning behind this
need to trust in his wisdom
quit thinking about my hurt

My Challenge

When I was at Lifest last weekend, one speaker, Bob Lenz talked about what was getting in the way of my relationship with God. Through the course of the talk, I realized that it was my pain getting in the way. I had allowed this situation with my children to take me over. I had gotten stuck in my own little pity party. This situation is something that God has completely under control. I need to trust him. He wants what's best for all of us. I find that I need to use that overused saying: Let Go and Let God! It is over used, but in my situation it's 100% true. I am but an empty shell, here for a greater purpose than to get so wrapped up in my own hurts. This earth is just a temporary situation.....my hope comes in eternal life. The Lord can handle my pain, my disappointments. He can even turn things around. I just need to trust in HIM!!!

By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North

Here is the song....